Oracle

Don’t be a Squeedlyspooch tease…

September 3rd, 2010 | by Oracle

I have a confession to make. I like aliens. No, I mean like like. Games like Mass Effect, where you can hit on, and eventually sleep with different humanoid species hold my attention like no other. My favorite species in Star Wars are the ones I find most attractive. As my guy was playing Mass Effect 2 this weekend, I kept begging him to hit on the blue chicks and that engineer guy. This got me thinking, why don’t they just show alien sex?

It can’t be porn, right? These are made up creatures, so who’s to say what are technically genitals, and what aren’t? Maybe those fang things on their faces are tiny weenies, and by our standards should be covered up. Look at the cantina scene in Star Wars: A New Hope. TONS of those aliens have genital-like appendages hanging off their faces! Maybe we should be offended, or aroused, but we have no idea because we’re human.

Basically, I want to know why I can’t see Plo Koon or Kit Fisto nude. In Dante’s Inferno I had to watch the Devil’s donkey-junk (complete with balls) flopping around while I was trying to scythe his face off. And his stuff was huge! I’m not surprised he had no pants on. I doubt even digital pants could contain that third leg he was hauling around. I think I know why the Devil is so mean: he has severe back problems. I always wonder what poor intern got the job of animating Beelzebub’s behemoth wang. What type of reference material do you have to gather to make sure the balls bounce realistically when I shoot him with my holy cross? Wow, I cannot believe how side-tracked I got by demon penis.

Lots of people want to see aliens getting it on. This was demonstrated repeatedly by Star Trek and Farscape. Why else were Chiana and D’Argo constantly bumping, um, whatever it is they bump? (Is there a species that bumps pretties? I would totally watch that). I hope the trend of intergalactic fornication continues. I really doubt I’m the only person who wants to see what’s under a few enviro-suits.

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Oracle

Big Girls Need Costumes, Too

August 20th, 2010 | by Oracle

Awhile back, the Tokens did a strip about the lack of black characters to dress up as at cons. This is true, however, there are way more black dudes than big girls. I don’t necessarily mean 800 pound women should be super heroes, I just mean not all of them should wear a size 2 and vomit excessively.
The costumes are all either skimpy, or skin tight, and it is very hard to look decent in any of them. Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Cat Woman, Invisible Woman, Electra, all the X-Men ladies, Super Girl, Lara Croft, Bayonetta, Aeon Flux, and pretty much all anime girls have either painfully tight outfits, or teensy scraps of fabric strategically taped over certain body parts. Now, I like ogling women as much as the next girl, but I feel completely left out at conventions. My man can dress as almost anything, and I end up in jeans and a fan girl shirt. I can’t even be a storm trooper, because there’s no place to put my boobies or booty.
↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Tan

Art Imitating Life?

August 13th, 2010 | by Tan

Or life imitating art? Not like I’m going to lose any sleep over this, but thanks to Kelz for buying our stuff!  Black and I appreciate you being one of (if not the) greatest supporter of our site :)

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Black

A Mug only a Mother could Love

July 30th, 2010 | by Black

Hey Tokens, check out our mugs on the mug…ok that was whack – ok bad joke aside – Tiffany, one of our long time Tokens sent us a pic of her using her mug. Send us of your 2Token gear and we’ll post the pic on our site!

Tiffany sticking paint brushes in her mug.

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Tan

Interracialgalactic Mobile Phone Wallpaper

July 23rd, 2010 | by Tan

Yep, I enjoyed drawing the last panel for this strip so much, I decided to make a mobile phone wallpaper out of it.

click this thumbnail to be taken to its full pixel resolution glory

action shot from my 3 year old iphone

Hope you like it, TGIF Tokens!

-Tan

(p.s. this random pr0nstar is inspired by this dude, the manliest man the world has ever known)

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Oracle

Batrant Part 4: A New Hope (which will probably be crushed)

July 20th, 2010 | by Oracle

In which The Oracle admits to some not-so-awful aspects of the new Batman, but is still filled with hatred and bile.

Nolan I-know-nothing-of-film-making-I-leave-the-cameras-on-and-molest-the-cast version

Some of the fundamental problems with the Batman franchise arise from the fact that it is seventy years old. It has not had the benefit of one person’s vision, like the Star Wars universe. You have the original version that was much more tame than it is now, the goofy Adam West version which I love, but it’s not really Batman, the Tim Burton which was dark and beautiful, but suffered from budget constraints and studio interference, the Schumacher (what a useless human he is) which tried to relive the Adam West version of all things, and now the Nolan I-know-nothing-of-film-making-I-leave-the-cameras-on-and-molest-the-cast version.

Several of the problems from Batman Begins were seemingly repaired in The Dark Knight. Maggie Gyllenhall replaced Katie Holmes, and was subsequently killed, which was completely expected. That character was just a red shirt waiting to add to Batman’s emotional trauma. The Bat Tank was destroyed, hopefully for good. Heath Ledger was fantastic as the Joker, believably menacing, but obviously still had a sense of humor. Most of the movie focused on him, thereby solving another problem: Christian Bale was hardly in it to ruin it. Some of the stuff with Harvey Dent was cheesy, but the actor they cast had much more range than I ever expected from his previous work, and the design of Two-Face was fantastic. There is still the pervasive cockney butler (yeah, butlers never have a cockney accent, and it’s Michael Kane for chrissake, can’t he do a proper British accent?), and there’s the mysterious Morgan Freeman acting like God in the basement, bestowing gifts on the whiny little rich boy.

Now that Heath Ledger is dead, I have no idea what will drag the next one out of the sewer. Christopher Nolan, and Christian Bale are both coming back, so unless a good actor stars in a gay role between now and 2011, we may all have to suffer through more destruction of my beloved Batman.

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Oracle

Batrant Part 3: Revenge of The Oracle

July 18th, 2010 | by Oracle

My brutal critique of Batman Begins continues! Please hold all applause until the end.

he justified the maskless-ness by saying he wanted to show off Murphy’s “beautiful blue eyes”

The whole character of the Scare Crow was completely destroyed by this movie, and the next, since they showed they’re going to stick with their ridiculous casting and character design. The Scare Crow hardly ever wore his mask, and even then only with his freaking business suit on. Really? The Scare Crow is supposed to have a scythe as his weapon, and the character design in Batman: The Animated Series has a noose around his neck and a super creepy mask. It could have been so badass. I guess I mourn the unfulfilled potential as much as anything else. Interviews with Nolan about Murphy were disturbing, and he justified the maskless-ness by saying he wanted to show off Murphy’s “beautiful blue eyes”. If I were Murphy, I would have had a restraining order against this guy. I fear for his sexual safety. I want to hug him and ask where the bad man touched him. Why did Nolan hire eye candy for a masked role in the first place? More evidence stacking up for that restraining order.


Let’s get to the meat of it: Batman. Christian Bale is a bizarre person. He is Welsh, but uses an American accent in all his interviews. He was arrested for beating his mom and sister, and we all know about his bitch fit when someone walked on stage while he was rehearsing. Granted, all of this happened after he was cast as Batman, but he never should have been cast in the first place. He has a creepy weasel face, and should have been Two-Face at most, not the main character. Maybe he could be a MASKED Scare Crow, so we wouldn’t have to see his one acting expression: uber serious. His atrocious Batvoice is distracting at best, and unintelligible at worst. He just seems like a douche, not someone with any kind of emotional pain. You don’t get that empathetic aching in your chest when you watch him act. There is no emotional connection to the audience.

And what the hell happened to the Batmobile? That bigass thing in the movie was completely laughable, especially when they kept showing Batman slide down into the firing booth thing. What a useless hunk of crap. Thank God he didn’t have to take it down any of the narrow alleys that permeate Gotham; he never would have fit. Everyone knows the Batmobile is long, slender, and low to the ground, with all kinds of cool gadgets on it. I understand this is him starting out as Batman, but WTF? Thank God they blew it up in Dark Knight. I can only pray it stays blown up. Fear not, Tokens, there’s more rant to come, but it’s the last (Batman) one. Prepare yourself accordingly.

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Oracle

Batrant Part 2: The Oracle Returns

July 16th, 2010 | by Oracle

Now on to Batman Begins. The casting in this movie is abysmal at worst, and suspect at best. Both Cillian Murphy, who played Scare Crow, and Christian Bale, *shudder* Batman, previously played in superbly gay roles. I mean literally gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). In Breakfast on Pluto, Murphy plays a young male cross dresser who ends up working as a woman in a strip club. Liam Neeson (the white guy playing the supposed-to-be-arabic Ra’s al Ghul) also starred in this, as the catholic priest who adopted the young cross dresser. Chrsitian Bale was in Velvet Goldmine, opposite Ewan MacGregor. It’s set in the glam rock scene of the seventies, and is filled with gay sex scenes. I was not at all sure of this pattern until it was announced that The Dark Knight would star Heath Ledger, of Brokeback Mountain fame. Admittedly he did a good job, but it just confirmed my suspicions that the director is hiring guys he hopes are actually gay, so he can woo them into the closet with him.

It was like watching the Muppet Babies, instead of the Muppet Show.

I love Liam Neeson, but he is freaking Scottish. Were all actors of any kind of Asian descent on vacation that week? And he has such sweet puppy dog eyes, is he really believable as a killer? No. That’s why they killed him off in the first five minutes of Gangs of New York. (oops, uh, spoiler alert?) Then there’s Katie Holmes. Did she have a stroke and no one told me? Why does only one half of her face work? And how did she go from Dawson’s Creek to Batman? Marrying a movie star does not make you a movie star by default. It takes talent, or at least good looks and not-horrible acting (I’m looking at you, Jennifer Love Hewitt).  Cillian Murphy was great in 28 Days Later, but he wasn’t even thirty when this movie came out. That is far too young to have gotten his doctorate in Psychiatry (he’s no Neil Patrick Harris), and started running enough independent, unsupervised experiments to create the fear toxin, as well as become the psychological consultant for Gotham City. It’s not like Gotham is some back-water podunk town that has no other choice. It’s a thriving metropolis that can hire the best of the best. The original rumors were that Steve Buscemi was being considered for the role, and he would have been perfect. I was hugely disappointed when they decided to hire a bunch of tweens to run Gotham. It was like watching the Muppet Babies, instead of the Muppet Show.

Part 3 is coming soon, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!

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Oracle

Batrant Part 1: The Oracle Speaks

July 14th, 2010 | by Oracle

I already hate Nolan more than Skynet hates John Connor.

When Black asked me to do a guest rant, I was hugely honored, and I decided to rant about my favorite subject: Batman. I love Batman, with a pure, beautiful, aching love. I remember watching the cartoons as a child, sitting on the floor in front of the TV, and watching all the way through the credits, to hear every second of that stirring music. Now that you understand the depth of my emotional involvement with the franchise, I’m sure you’ll understand my complete loathing of Batman Begins. To be fair, lets start at the top with the director, Christopher Nolan.  Everyone wants to get in line for a chance to kiss this guy’s balls just because he did Memento. I had not seen Memento, so I watched it yesterday, just so I could have an informed opinion. I want you to understand what a sacrifice this was for me. I already hate Nolan more than Skynet hates John Connor. If you haven’t seen this crapfest, I’ll save you the trouble (and it came out 10 years ago, if you were really going to see it you would have by now). This movie is boring. Like, wish-my-eyeballs-would-spontaneously-combust-to-save-me-this-misery boring.  Don’t hide behind the whole movie-is-out-of-order gimmick. That was only clever when Tarantino did it in Pulp Fiction 6 years before. The actual plot of the movie, told in sequence, is that a guy’s wife was killed, he had brain damage, and then he became a vigilante who traveled around killing people. Not interesting. Telling it out of order doesn’t make it interesting, it makes me want to fast forward.

Next Nolan made Insomnia, in which he had the benefit of being the first guy to cast Robin Williams as a villain. Also not interesting. Nolan’s style of film making is slow, and repetitive. It’s like he’s trying to build suspense, but I don’t give a damn and I just want it all to be over with. It’s like attending one of those sexual harassment seminars at work. I just want to yell, “Okay, we get it! Can we move on now?”  I want to know what dumbass at Warner Brothers decided that Nolan, who had only made 2 movies, was capable of handling Batman? Someone needs to pull a Clockwork Orange on him, and force him to watch all the horrific movies he’s responsible for. The Batman franchise has been around since the 1930’s. You don’t just hand it off to the guy whose wife pays for his “career”. Next round we mock the movie itself, not just the don’t-get-stuck-in-an-elevator-with-this-guy director.

5 Comments
Tan

Forums!

June 11th, 2010 | by Tan

Tokens, we’ve finally implemented a forums page!

Click the pic to check it out! Register to post :)

As always, leave a comment and let us know what groups and forums do you think would be most useful -it’s your Two Tokens community, be sure to get your 2 cents in (ba dum dum ksssh!)

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